If you have more effective and diverse ways of getting what you need, then you are more lucky than they are – and it understandably makes you see their limited approaches as unreasonable.  Usually you will feel annoyed by them and want to block them from getting what they want, as a punishment of sorts for being so controlling.   Instead, be appreciative that you are able to feel more connected to other people and have more harmony than they are able to achieve.   Try to have compassion for the limitations they face and the constraints in their success and happiness they are creating.

If you want to try to get them to act in a different way,  you will rarely evoke that change by trying to reason with them or trying to convince them to see it your way.    Someone like this is going to be motivated only by what motivates them, not by what you think is reasonable.    Figure out what is really important to them (hint: the thing they always try to control you about).  Whenever you talk with them,  always state your request in terms of how your request will help them get what they want.   Always take a moment to think through their request and think together about the final result, to avoid having them change their mind many times and cause rework.     Thank them for their input, and if they repeat themselves many times,  remind them respectfully that you already heard the information and that you are interested in continuing to listen if they have any new information to impart you.

Most importantly, start orienting your life around no longer deriving your emotional or financial security from them.   This is your way of freeing yourself from the effects of their control!

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While there are many comforts and joys of spending time with your extended family, sometimes it can mean interacting with people who control, frustrate,  criticize, or burden you.   With all the stresses you are facing this year,  cross ‘family conflict’ off your list with the following perspectives:

What is the “real reason” you are aggravated with a difficult family member?
You wish your difficult family member could just “get it” and behave differently in their own life and towards you.   Their behavior may legitimately take up a lot of time or show insensitivity to you.  But know that you are angry with them because you are hoping and expecting that they will be more evolved than they are at this point.   You are hoping that one of these times they will give you the validation you richly deserve (but they are likely incapable of.)   When you say to yourself that they should be different or vent to a confidant about “why do they do that?”, you are hoping that they will heed your advisement and magically do it differently next time.  You are ‘living in hope’.

As soon as you accept that they are “where they are on their journey” (and so are you), you know it is not fruitful to try to change them.   As long as you are hoping and expecting they will be different, you can continue to act in your same patterns and expect the change to come from them.   Even though its painful for you to standby and watch someone you care about not be happy,  you must appreciate part of you wants them to act differently in order for you to feel at ease or comfortable with yourself and your situation.  The answer of course is to focus on your 50%.   To the extent that you can feel ‘good in you’ no matter how your family members are acting out of their limitations, you will no longer be aggravated by them.

How can you make family interactions more harmonious?
There are many things that you can do to take responsibility for your part of the interaction.  Some examples include:

• Know exactly what you want from the situation so you can ask for it instead of hoping they will read your mind.

• See it from their point of view, make them feel understood, and phrase your requests to them in terms that motivate them (and don’t just assume because you want something they will want to be that way for you.)

• Do things that are easy for you to do that help them get their needs met even in their rigid ways.  For example, show appreciation to a narcissistic person and make them feel special.   If it means acting out of integrity for you, don’t go along with them.   Let a narcissistic, controlling, or off- color person know your limits.  Tell them you in a neutral, respectful tone that you don’t tolerate that behavior, and that you will talk to them or spend time with them when they are not acting that way (then walk away and come back later).

• Make sure your communication is clear and respectful, reducing the chance you will be misinterpreted

• Articulate more precisely the kind of support, love, and cooperation you can get from difficult family members and what you wish you could get but will realistically not be able to get.   Only interact with them around the former.   Focus effectively on nurturing yourself and initiating meaningful connections that will bring fulfillment in your current life – so you are less vulnerable to others making you feel balance.

• Instead of focusing on the unrealized harmony within your family, be grateful for the family members who are alive and in a state of reasonable health;  be grateful for all the ways that you and your family members have been resilient to the current challenging times.

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Your assistant does your marketing promotion wrong. Do you get irritated at her or do you calm yourself down before asking her to help you understand what went awry and how you can prevent it next time?

In the car, your spouse/partner is lost and aggravated, but won’t stop to ask for directions. Do you snap at him to ‘calm down’ and remind him he ‘always does this’, or do you take out your iPhone GPS and make a ‘note to self’ to print out directions next time (thus averting the usual spat.)

Your answers depend on whether you follow the 50% rule. Usually you want to change what the other person is thinking and doing because it is annoying you or making you feel upset, and you think they ‘shouldn’t’ do it that way.

The 50% rule is an approach to all relationships (romantic, business, parenting, friendship, family) in which you focus on being “impeccable for your 50% of the interaction”. It’s not about ‘being nice’ or ‘giving in to keep the peace’. Its about taking responsibility for your part, relying on your own tools to get yourself into the right emotional state, and acting in a way that aligns with “who you want to be” in the relationship.

The benefits of being impeccable for your 50% are many: you walk away from the interaction feeling proud of yourself rather than guilty for lashing out. You preserve your relationship rather than chip away at it. You decrease the other’s defensiveness so they are more likely to listen to you (and if they are not capable of much change, you are already ‘in a good place’ and thus detached from the ill effects of their behavior).

And this is the most important: you are ‘in control’!

To try out the 50% rule, think of a relationship in your life you want to be better. Draw an imaginary line in between you and that person – everything on one side is your 50% (what YOU think, how YOU feel, what YOU say, what YOU do), everything on the other is theirs.

Notice that what you have been doing until now in this relationship may be efforts that “cross the line”. You may have been “taking on their 50%” (e.g., absorbing their negative energy, feeling responsible for their feelings, trying to rescue them) or getting them to act differently (e.g., blame them to get an apology; tell them they need to change; do favors for them hoping they will approve of you and appreciate you). The other person probably experiences your efforts as controlling and it may have backfired.

Instead, influence them to improve the interaction — but stay within ‘your side of the line.’ There are so many possibilities, here are a few to practice:

1) Take charge of handling your own emotional response

Its so tempting to scream at the other person to “Calm Down!!!” When you are being impeccable for your 50%, you don’t try to get the other person to relax, you focus on relaxing yourself (so that you can actually deal with the other person in a way that is more calm – that will surely help them to relax!)

Before you snap at your spouse like in the example above, calm yourself down. Try a technique called “reverse breathing”: breathe in slowly through your mouth and breathe out slowly through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration accumulates). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right. This technique is so powerful that you will notice a big difference within 10 to 30 seconds (its so powerful I’ve stopped fights on the NYC subways with it)!

2) Accept others’ level of evolution and work on yours!

Accept that others are generally doing what they do for good reason (at least within their own worldview). Know that whenever people are being rigid it’s usually because they are stuck on an emotionally unresolved issue that deep down makes them feel bad about themselves (even though its not apparent to them). If this is the case, then expecting the person to come around and apologize is a lost cause. Instead of assuming your friend is a jerk, think through what you did before or after their awkward behavior that might have contributed to the breakdown, and take responsibility by clarifying and apologizing for your part.

By doing this you have cleared your conscience and smoothed the way for them to come back with a constructive response. If she doesn’t, its ‘proof’ that there is something going on in ‘her 50%’ that has little to do with you, and though it might be sad for you, she is essentially showing you her ability to deal with her feelings. Staying mad at her for not being more evolved goes nowhere; instead focus on your 50% and how you set yourself up to be hurt by hoping she would be more capable of being the friend you desire.

3) Be bulletproof in your word and deed

Instead of blaming others, put your attention on communicating clearly so you can’t be misunderstood. Focus on using a tone that is motivating and respectful (e.g., say “help me understand what broke down here” instead of “you did this wrong”). Focus on noticing what the other person is doing right and let them know. Don’t give unclear directions and then blame your assistant/business partner for not producing what you wanted.

As you “say what you mean and mean what you say” but your assistant/business partner doesn’t, it becomes very clear with whom the “problem” lies and who is going to need to change as part of the solution. It shifts the balance of power and gives you strong leverage in negotiation – others cannot point a finger back at you, they must take responsibility or you will choose not to work with them.

In short, take 100% responsibility for your 50%. Decide who ‘you want to be’ in the interaction and focus on being HER! The irony is that by concerning yourself with your own 50%, you raise the odds of getting the other person to act how you want them to act. Enjoy the power of being ‘in control’ without being controlling!

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You and your spouse get stuck in communication dead-ends.  You have drama in your dating.  A family member continues to be needy and frustrating.

The best way to keep your relationships supportive of your goals and not distracting or draining is

DON’T REACT!

Reacting is your effort to try to get the person to stop being the way they are.  It lets the other person get you off track from who you want to be and the results you want to create. Reacting makes you lose time and focus being upset about what they did.

Of course you know you are not supposed to REACT, but its not always easy!

What makes it hard to not react is that your brain has evolved to respond in stressful interactions in ways that are unproductive.  It hijacks you to:

- Personalize: To respond you have to explain why the person acted the way they did.  You will ask yourself what does the other person’s behavior mean about me?   You might “put words in their mouth” and think they are saying you are “not good enough” or your job or client relationship is not secure.  You will worry about how the situation “will affect you”.

- Focus on the Problem:  Our nervous system evolved to respond protectively when large predators were running at us.    That’s why when someone is annoying, we tend to focus all our attention on getting them to stop acting the way that’s making you feel out of control (hint: rather than focusing on what you CAN control so you don’t have that panicky feeling of not having control)

- Negative Forecast:   To save energy and respond quickly, your brain will use shortcuts and default to well-worn grooves in your thinking.  You will believe the person is going to act the way they’ve “always” acted in the past (even if they don’t always act that way).   You will believe your worst fear will happen (e.g., homelessness, lose their love, feel forever guilty) and then act as if it already has.

The factor that causes you to have these unconstructive responses is feeling that things are “out of your control”.   The best antidote to not reacting is to control what you CAN control.

The first thing to do is get the thinking part of your brain back in charge, rather than the emotional part.  One way is through “Reverse Breathing”, in which you breathe slowly in through your mouth and out through your nose, experiencing a cooling sensation over your tongue.

Instead of Personalizing, try to genuinely explain the person?s behavior as stemming from their own limitations or from a benefit-of-the-doubt explanation of their motivations.

Instead of Focusing on them as the Problem, see the problem as part of an overall system that happened between the two of you, and focus immediately on generating solutions and ways to prevent it from happening in the future.

Instead of Negative Forecasting, focus on at least one thing YOU can do on your own (either in the moment or at a later time) to have control over preventing your worst case scenario.

This is just the tip of the iceberg:  Do you want word for word scripts on how to be poised and confident and NOT REACT in your relationships?  Do you want more breathing techniques to keep you calm when people are ‘on edge’?  Do you want to break your relationship patterns and be more respected at work?

Join this one-time only Friction-Free Relationships program starting next week in NYC so I can coach you through your specific relationship situations in a small group.

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The faces of politics are many. It might take the form of someone holding onto turf by “throwing you under the boss”, a boss who doesn’t “get you” or promote you, or colleagues or bosses who don’t get back to you yet you are held accountable.

Working with other people, or in an organization, inherently puts you in a situation where other people have control over your deliverables, and thus over your future in some way. There is a lot at stake, and when you don’t feel like you have control over the things that are most important to you (i.e, your salary/raise, your recognition, your reputation, your free time, etc.) it can raise significant feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment.

I notice that I am spending an increasing amount of time with my executive coaching clients helping them deal with politics as the people around them seem increasingly resistant to change, turf-oriented, undignified in the way they handle layoffs, etc. In our coaching we map out how my client can keep their job and get promoted by improving relationships with colleagues and bosses, and influencing decision makers to buy into their ideas.

Here are 2 tips for how to deal with politics so that it doesn’t drain you of essential time and energy:

1) Your new mantra is: Be impeccable for your 50%. This is the first and most important tip to focus on in cleaning up your contribution to any ‘politics’ situation. It’s always tempting to point fingers at other people’s bad behavior. First “clean up your own backyard” and make sure that your communication is respectful, that you are inclusive and seek input, and that you are reaching out and supporting other people.

I’m not suggesting this to encourage altruism (well, that too, but its not the only reason)! When you are impeccable for your 50%, here are the benefits: You get to control what you can control. You have a lot of power when you are in a position to point out the dysfunctions of others without anyone being able to point a finger back at your “bad behavior”. The more you are impeccable in the way you create relationships, the more people will trust you and “have your back”. When others speak well of your behavior, it is far more powerful than when you seek recognition for yourself. While others are distracted putting their efforts into short term efforts to “try to look good”, you be the one to put efforts into making lasting results and relationships.

2) Act in the service of your Long Term not Short Term Goals – You want to err on the side of acting for your long term goal instead of how you “feel like reacting” in the moment. When you react in the moment, usually its because you percieve that someone else is making you look bad or because you think your opinion is ‘right’ about whether an idea will work or not. These are both confidence issues – you are either trying to protect your lack of confidence (”what will people think about me?”) or you are overconfident (which of course underneath is always about under confidence anyway!) The more successful you become, the more your success relies on your ability to influence other people and have them trust and collaborate with you to achieve bigger goals. The idea is to have people walk away from interacting with you feeling good about their ability to succees – which comes from self trust that your work will speak for itself.

For example, I had a client today who clearly asserted that a certain sales incentive program should stay in place when a number of people around her wanted to kill it. The company ended the program and sales tanked. The brand new president called a meeting and wanted to know why numbers were so low – no one responsible for the decision spoke up.

You can imagine that my client wanted to say that she defended the program but all that would have accomplished is shaming her colleagues in public. She knew that the President would dig into the reasons for the drop in numbers and that she would ultimately look good. You don’t always have to make your point in the moment, sometimes you can let the situation unfold or seek opportunities to state your case either outside a public meeting, or when the topic is brought up repeatedly over time. Similarly, you don’t necessarily have to be the one to point out others flawed ideas or inefficient work. Sometimes it can be more effective with someone who is ineffective or controlling to ‘give them enough rope, let them hang themselves’!

Stay focused on being innovative and effective in your own position and don’t allow yourself to get caught up in what everybody else is doing and saying. You will be the one to get noticed!

Join us for a free webcast on October 14th on Chaos to Control. Register here. You can learn the skills and techniques to manage office politics and other time sucks that get in the way of your productivity here.

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Rushing to pick your child up at school as you race out of a sales meeting,  dealing with a spouse who is ‘on edge’ or ‘down in the dumps’,  too many items on your list and not enough time (and then feeling guilty), etc .

“Technically”,   that is not what stress is.   Stress is what you experience when the demands of the situation exceed your perceived ability  to cope with the situation.    You only experience “stress” when you feel the situation is out of your control.

The secret to feeling less stressed is to boost  your ability to control the things you CAN control, and have ways of taking care of yourself for the things you CAN’T (for now).  Here are 3 mantras you can use to help you focus on what you CAN control.

1) “I control myself,  in order to control my wealth”

Many of us are affected by the constricted economy.      Instead of focusing on how your income is ‘out of your control’ now,  think about: who do YOU need to be in order for your business to be more effective? What are the qualities and attributes you would want/need to have (or have more of)?  (i.e., Confident? Organized? Creative? Effective communicator?)  As you go through your days,  instead of trying to control other people, the market, etc. ,  put your energies into becoming  a person who has your ideal attributes.

What is the one thing you could do that would further your career/business the most?    Focus on getting over the hump to do that.   Imagine yourself at a future time looking back on you having taken that initiative – ask yourself : “Why was it so easy for me to “go for it?”   “Why was I so successful even though I felt so blocked?”  Asking that question gives your mind momentum and creativity to get started.

Make that your new mantra:   “I control myself, in order to control my wealth”.

2) “I control me,  before I control thee”

Instead of draining yourself trying to control other people, don’t expect other people to change their behavior just because you are annoyed by it.   Draw an imaginary line between what you do/what you communicate and what the other person does/what they communicate – and have an attitude in which you focus only on being “impeccable for your 50%” of any interaction.

For example, before you get irritated with someone else,  calm yourself down. By being clear, level headed,  caring towards the other person, you increase your chances of getting them to understand your directions or give you what you want.    Before you blame what the other person isn’t doing right, focus your energies on getting into an emotional state in which you can communicate to get what you want.

One thing you can try to calm yourself down is to do “reverse breathing”, where you breathe in slowly through you mouth and out through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration is processed). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right.     This technique creates a powerful energy shift, and has been known to calm the other person down as well as you!

This is just one example of what you can do to follow the mantra: “I control me, in order to control thee”

3) “I control my mind activity, in order to control my productivity”

Your thoughts tell your brain where to put energy and attention.  Thus, your thoughts create your focus and determine how much you will get done.

Notice the things you tell yourself in order to not do certain work.  Start becoming aware of what you ARE doing when you are NOT doing what you know you should.   Get to know and track what you are telling yourself:   “I don’t feel like it”, “I won’t have a successful result, why bother?”, or    “It will take too much time”

You have the power to police your excuses and direct your attention so you can get things done.     Direct your attention to how great you will feel when you complete the necessary task.  Direct your thoughts to figuring out the very first step you could accomplish that would create a momentum to get the rest of it done.   Direct your  mind to believe that “Done is more profitable than Perfect!”.  Direct your mind to figuring out why you accepted the task if you don’t want to do it, and how you can say no effectively next time.

Remember:  Control your mind activity in order to control your productivity.

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Its 85° and Sunny. Business might be looking up but you are still up against a lot of resistance. When it comes time to send that email, write that proposal, make those follow up calls, etc. do you ‘feel like’ doing it? If you don’t, you probably won’t.

Procrastination.

I am putting together a program for the American Management Association called Procrastination to Productivity, so I have been delving deeply into the subject and really getting to understand the ‘mindset’ of a procrastinator.

Here’s a little nugget that led me to a big ‘aha’:

If you are a procrastinator, you believe in the following equation: Motivation –> Action.

In other words, You think you have to feel motivated in order to take action. You wait until you feel ready. You wait until the pressure is on. And if you don’t feel that way right now, you think you will feel differently and the task will be easier ‘tomorrow’. (Ok , be honest with yourself here, am I the only one?)

If you are a successful, ‘take action’ kind of person, here is the equation you live your life by: Action –> Motivation.

What motivates you is to see results. When you are not taking action and seeing results, you feel lost and unmotivated.

Which kind of person are you?

In my programs and with my clients, I teach an extensive repertoire of how you can change your thinking, your energy, your negative emotional response, etc. all so you can get into a good place in your mind and be ready to get to work. Whereas these techniques are very effective, now I think the ‘moral’ of the story is to take action — even when you don’t necessarily ‘feel like it’. Seeing results will get you to be motivated so you will ‘feel like’ doing more.

Taking action refocuses away from the negative chatter that keeps you unmotivated. It puts you into a different energy state and creates momentum.

There is a ‘debate’ about what kind of ‘action’ to take. ‘Structured procrastination’ is doing tasks that are simpler, of lesser importance than your higher income generating activities (e.g., mow the lawn, administrative work, input database info, etc)

Your answers will come from you knowing yourself honestly: Does starting off with easier activities create a momentum that then enables you to do more substantive work? Or do they serve as a justification to waste more time away from your highest leverage work?

Does breaking the task down into its component parts and just focusing on getting the first one done work for you? Is it important for you to ‘start with the end in mind’ in order to know where to begin or is better to do a brain dump without needing to know the whole structure (knowing you will go back and edit later).

The next time you ‘don’t feel like’ doing something, notice the self talk you use to justify it. You now know these are self deluding thoughts, and that you don’t have to wait for motivation to take action. Tell yourself that your rationales are quaint but you are now looking to get your motivation from seeing results.

In short, Procrastinators seek relief. Successful professionals in this economy seek results.

Even though I normally I write in detail what you can do to get yourself motivated, today I think 10 years of graduate study is usurped by the Nike commercial: If you want to get motivated, JUST DO IT!

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I asked Molly Gordon,  the organizer of the Self Employment Telesummit and an expert marketing coach,  ”what is the biggest way that self employed people ‘get in their own way’?”   Her answer had to do with the way that we compare ourselves to other people and let perfectionism stop us from putting ourselves out there consistently.     Here are her answers to how you can get past these blocks and make self employment work for you.

Are You Getting In Your Own Way (Part 1)

How To Avoid Negative Comparisons

Overplanning

Looking For Results At the Wrong Time and In the Wrong Places

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