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How Not to REACT Emotionally in Your Relationships

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Your assistant makes mistakes and has an attitude. You can’t get your colleagues to take you seriously and follow your ideas? Your boss uses a tone, changes his mind all the time, or doesn’t go to bat for you.

You and your spouse get stuck in communication dead-ends.  You have drama in your dating.  A family member continues to be needy and frustrating.

The best way to keep your relationships supportive of your goals and not distracting or draining is

DON’T REACT!

Reacting is your effort to try to get the person to stop being the way they are.  It lets the other person get you off track from who you want to be and the results you want to create. Reacting makes you lose time and focus being upset about what they did.

Of course you know you are not supposed to REACT, but its not always easy!

What makes it hard to not react is that your brain has evolved to respond in stressful interactions in ways that are unproductive.  It hijacks you to:

- Personalize: To respond you have to explain why the person acted the way they did.  You will ask yourself what does the other person’s behavior mean about me?   You might “put words in their mouth” and think they are saying you are “not good enough” or your job or client relationship is not secure.  You will worry about how the situation “will affect you”.

- Focus on the Problem:  Our nervous system evolved to respond protectively when large predators were running at us.    That’s why when someone is annoying, we tend to focus all our attention on getting them to stop acting the way that’s making you feel out of control (hint: rather than focusing on what you CAN control so you don’t have that panicky feeling of not having control)

- Negative Forecast:   To save energy and respond quickly, your brain will use shortcuts and default to well-worn grooves in your thinking.  You will believe the person is going to act the way they’ve “always” acted in the past (even if they don’t always act that way).   You will believe your worst fear will happen (e.g., homelessness, lose their love, feel forever guilty) and then act as if it already has.

The factor that causes you to have these unconstructive responses is feeling that things are “out of your control”.   The best antidote to not reacting is to control what you CAN control.

The first thing to do is get the thinking part of your brain back in charge, rather than the emotional part.  One way is through “Reverse Breathing”, in which you breathe slowly in through your mouth and out through your nose, experiencing a cooling sensation over your tongue.

Instead of Personalizing, try to genuinely explain the person?s behavior as stemming from their own limitations or from a benefit-of-the-doubt explanation of their motivations.

Instead of Focusing on them as the Problem, see the problem as part of an overall system that happened between the two of you, and focus immediately on generating solutions and ways to prevent it from happening in the future.

Instead of Negative Forecasting, focus on at least one thing YOU can do on your own (either in the moment or at a later time) to have control over preventing your worst case scenario.

This is just the tip of the iceberg:  Do you want word for word scripts on how to be poised and confident and NOT REACT in your relationships?  Do you want more breathing techniques to keep you calm when people are ‘on edge’?  Do you want to break your relationship patterns and be more respected at work?

Join this one-time only Friction-Free Relationships program starting next week in NYC so I can coach you through your specific relationship situations in a small group.

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Are you ready to go from procrastination to productivity?

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

70% of North Americans report that they procrastinate.   And 20%, or 1 in 5 of you are a chronic procrastinator.  Are you one of them?    What is something you are procrastinating on today?

Usually when we think about someone who procrastinates, we get an image in our head of someone who is “lazy”sitting in front of the TV with a beer, or surfing the Internet all day long.   For sure if you have such a negative image of yourself, you will not be motivated to take action and create momentum towards your goals ? so I wanted to give you some information that would help you forget that stereotype and build some self understanding so you can develop a habit of taking action.

I?ve put together a list of “types” of procrastinators I’ve had as clients or in my programs.   See if you can identify your type:

  • The Perfectionist – ” Its not going out the door until every detail is perfect”
  • The Dreamer – “I’ve got a great vision, I don’t know how to get started”
  • The Avoider- “I don’t feel like doing it”
  • The Confidence Protector -”What will people think? if I send this out”
  • The Pressure Seeker – “I am convinced ‘I work best’ under pressure”
  • The Prioritizer -”I do what’s most important and put everything else off”
  • The ADDer  -”I legitimately have ADD and haven?t gotten treated for it”


You really want to identify which type (or types) of procrastinator you  are because it will make all the difference in terms of using the right solutions.   For example,  if you are an Avoider, you want to arm yourself with strategies to help you get past the “I don’t feel like it” and onto taking action.   If you are a Prioritizer, you are battling too many projects and too many changes in strategic direction, and for you it’s a waste of time to learn more about to “start your day with the hardest task”.   What you need is to get better input about what will stay constant amongst your strategic and revenue generating priorities,  and communicate to the people who will otherwise be waiting for you to complete tasks that are not part of your current priorities.

There are two kinds of solutions to moving past procrastination.  The first set of solutions have to do with setting up your tasks so that it is “Easier to Do It” than to “Not do it”.   The second has to do with tools to help you deal with yourself better  – so that when you are tempted to procrastinate you will know how to talk yourself out of it and take action.

Its important to have a good awareness of how you set yourself up to procrastinate so that you know exactly what to do differently next time.

If procrastination is cutting into your profit,  or interfering with your promotion, it’s a serious issue for you.   Remember the Mark Twain quote about looking back on your life what you regret the most is what you didn’t do, not what you did do.

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Are You Ready To Stop Wasting Time on Company Politics?

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Salary.com does a survey every year of time wasting in the workplace. The 2008 report revealed that 75% of employees engage in time wasting behaviors, and half of those surveyed stated that they waste time dealing with office politics.

The faces of politics are many. It might take the form of someone holding onto turf by “throwing you under the boss”, a boss who doesn’t “get you” or promote you, or colleagues or bosses who don’t get back to you yet you are held accountable.

Working with other people, or in an organization, inherently puts you in a situation where other people have control over your deliverables, and thus over your future in some way. There is a lot at stake, and when you don’t feel like you have control over the things that are most important to you (i.e, your salary/raise, your recognition, your reputation, your free time, etc.) it can raise significant feelings of frustration, anger, and disappointment.

I notice that I am spending an increasing amount of time with my executive coaching clients helping them deal with politics as the people around them seem increasingly resistant to change, turf-oriented, undignified in the way they handle layoffs, etc. In our coaching we map out how my client can keep their job and get promoted by improving relationships with colleagues and bosses, and influencing decision makers to buy into their ideas.

Here are 2 tips for how to deal with politics so that it doesn’t drain you of essential time and energy:

1) Your new mantra is: Be impeccable for your 50%. This is the first and most important tip to focus on in cleaning up your contribution to any ‘politics’ situation. It’s always tempting to point fingers at other people’s bad behavior. First “clean up your own backyard” and make sure that your communication is respectful, that you are inclusive and seek input, and that you are reaching out and supporting other people.

I’m not suggesting this to encourage altruism (well, that too, but its not the only reason)! When you are impeccable for your 50%, here are the benefits: You get to control what you can control. You have a lot of power when you are in a position to point out the dysfunctions of others without anyone being able to point a finger back at your “bad behavior”. The more you are impeccable in the way you create relationships, the more people will trust you and “have your back”. When others speak well of your behavior, it is far more powerful than when you seek recognition for yourself. While others are distracted putting their efforts into short term efforts to “try to look good”, you be the one to put efforts into making lasting results and relationships.

2) Act in the service of your Long Term not Short Term Goals – You want to err on the side of acting for your long term goal instead of how you “feel like reacting” in the moment. When you react in the moment, usually its because you percieve that someone else is making you look bad or because you think your opinion is ‘right’ about whether an idea will work or not. These are both confidence issues – you are either trying to protect your lack of confidence (”what will people think about me?”) or you are overconfident (which of course underneath is always about under confidence anyway!) The more successful you become, the more your success relies on your ability to influence other people and have them trust and collaborate with you to achieve bigger goals. The idea is to have people walk away from interacting with you feeling good about their ability to succees – which comes from self trust that your work will speak for itself.

For example, I had a client today who clearly asserted that a certain sales incentive program should stay in place when a number of people around her wanted to kill it. The company ended the program and sales tanked. The brand new president called a meeting and wanted to know why numbers were so low – no one responsible for the decision spoke up.

You can imagine that my client wanted to say that she defended the program but all that would have accomplished is shaming her colleagues in public. She knew that the President would dig into the reasons for the drop in numbers and that she would ultimately look good. You don’t always have to make your point in the moment, sometimes you can let the situation unfold or seek opportunities to state your case either outside a public meeting, or when the topic is brought up repeatedly over time. Similarly, you don’t necessarily have to be the one to point out others flawed ideas or inefficient work. Sometimes it can be more effective with someone who is ineffective or controlling to ‘give them enough rope, let them hang themselves’!

Stay focused on being innovative and effective in your own position and don’t allow yourself to get caught up in what everybody else is doing and saying. You will be the one to get noticed!

Join us for a free webcast on October 14th on Chaos to ControlRegister here. You can learn the skills and techniques to manage office politics and other time sucks that get in the way of your productivity here.

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Empowering Women Dinner, NYC

Monday, September 14th, 2009

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What Is Stress?

Friday, September 11th, 2009

What is stress?  You would probably answer that with a long list of things that businesspeople face these days:

Rushing to pick your child up at school as you race out of a sales meeting,  dealing with a spouse who is ‘on edge’ or ‘down in the dumps’,  too many items on your list and not enough time (and then feeling guilty), etc .

“Technically”,   that is not what stress is.   Stress is what you experience when the demands of the situation exceed your perceived ability  to cope with the situation.    You only experience “stress” when you feel the situation is out of your control.

The secret to feeling less stressed is to boost  your ability to control the things you CAN control, and have ways of taking care of yourself for the things you CAN’T (for now).  Here are 3 mantras you can use to help you focus on what you CAN control.

1) “I control myself,  in order to control my wealth”

Many of us are affected by the constricted economy.      Instead of focusing on how your income is ‘out of your control’ now,  think about: who do YOU need to be in order for your business to be more effective? What are the qualities and attributes you would want/need to have (or have more of)?  (i.e., Confident? Organized? Creative? Effective communicator?)  As you go through your days,  instead of trying to control other people, the market, etc. ,  put your energies into becoming  a person who has your ideal attributes.

What is the one thing you could do that would further your career/business the most?    Focus on getting over the hump to do that.   Imagine yourself at a future time looking back on you having taken that initiative – ask yourself : “Why was it so easy for me to “go for it?”   “Why was I so successful even though I felt so blocked?”  Asking that question gives your mind momentum and creativity to get started.

Make that your new mantra:   “I control myself, in order to control my wealth”.

2) “I control me,  before I control thee”

Instead of draining yourself trying to control other people, don’t expect other people to change their behavior just because you are annoyed by it.   Draw an imaginary line between what you do/what you communicate and what the other person does/what they communicate – and have an attitude in which you focus only on being “impeccable for your 50%” of any interaction.

For example, before you get irritated with someone else,  calm yourself down. By being clear, level headed,  caring towards the other person, you increase your chances of getting them to understand your directions or give you what you want.    Before you blame what the other person isn’t doing right, focus your energies on getting into an emotional state in which you can communicate to get what you want.

One thing you can try to calm yourself down is to do “reverse breathing”, where you breathe in slowly through you mouth and out through your nose (this calms your liver where your frustration is processed). You should feel a cooling sensation across your tongue if you are doing it right.     This technique creates a powerful energy shift, and has been known to calm the other person down as well as you!

This is just one example of what you can do to follow the mantra: “I control me, in order to control thee”

3) “I control my mind activity, in order to control my productivity”

Your thoughts tell your brain where to put energy and attention.  Thus, your thoughts create your focus and determine how much you will get done.

Notice the things you tell yourself in order to not do certain work.  Start becoming aware of what you ARE doing when you are NOT doing what you know you should.   Get to know and track what you are telling yourself:   “I don’t feel like it”, “I won’t have a successful result, why bother?”, or    “It will take too much time”

You have the power to police your excuses and direct your attention so you can get things done.     Direct your attention to how great you will feel when you complete the necessary task.  Direct your thoughts to figuring out the very first step you could accomplish that would create a momentum to get the rest of it done.   Direct your  mind to believe that “Done is more profitable than Perfect!”.  Direct your mind to figuring out why you accepted the task if you don’t want to do it, and how you can say no effectively next time.

Remember:  Control your mind activity in order to control your productivity.

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